Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
