This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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