Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
