Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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