I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
