I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
