If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'm both gender and math confused
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
