So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
