1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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