you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
