She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
