he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
