Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Randomize
