Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
