Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Terrible idea I love it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
