grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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