I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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