I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize