First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
