I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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