she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
