I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
