Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
