i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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