this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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