I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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