It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize