I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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