I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sext me about skeletons
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