God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
