did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize