I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
