but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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