Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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