Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
