well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
