i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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