I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
