matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
