In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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