I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
