chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
