so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
