I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
