At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
