I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
