i used baking grease as lip gloss
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
