my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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