I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
