My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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