I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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