I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize