I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
