No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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