So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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