Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
