I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize