so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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