proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
