she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
