i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
