you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
