I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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