I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
