I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
