I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
