It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
