I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize