i think i have two assholes
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize