You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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